Terry Bowden has an incisive mind

If you believe the tagline at the bottom of all his work, Terry Bowden is “Yahoo! Sports' college football analyst.” It’s important to notice that the statement is exclusive. Bowden is not called “a” Yahoo! college football analyst. He’s not “one of” Yahoo’s analysts.

He’s the guy.

Now, let’s of course also recognize that Yahoo publishes the work of several other columnists from organizations like SI.com, Rivals.com, and The Sporting News. Still, if you are THE Yahoo Sports college football analyst, one might expect you to analyze something from time to time. Therein resides the brilliance of Mr. Bowden, who has somehow gotten himself an analyst job which requires zero analysis. Pretty sweet gig really.

Let’s break down his latest effort on the Miami-FIU brawl, a topic which should certainly give any analyst plenty of material.

“Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for the Miami Hurricanes and beleaguered head coach Larry Coker, it got drastically worse Saturday.”

Pretty standard lead. Bowden goes the same route as every other brawl article and adds to the shit-on-Larry Cokerathon.

“The brawl that marred the Florida International-Miami game turned into one of the worst team fights I have seen in recent years.”

Uhh, okay. What the hell does that have to do with anything?

“The schools' first meeting took a violent and ugly turn when the trash talking led to fisticuffs in the third quarter.”

First, thanks for restating what everybody already knows. Second, Bowden hasn’t so much as hinted that he’s planning on making an argument. And third, fisticuffs? Seriously? Maybe it’s just me, but once a fight grows to 80 people in size, is graduates from “fisticuffs” to “royal fuckin’ rumble.” Please, Terry, continue.

“It doesn't matter who started the fight; these players left a huge black eye for both programs.”

Again with the obvious…still waiting on an original thought though. Also, somewhere Lamar Thomas disagrees. Anyway…

“FIU and Miami are 9 miles apart. A lot of players for both teams have competed fiercely against one another for a long time, and I'm not sure this newly established matchup should continue. One thing is for certain – it does nothing for the Hurricanes, who have worked hard over the last few years to rid themselves of the rogue image that persisted through the 1980s and 1990s.”

Just worthless. And somebody please tell me how any of the thoughts in this graph are even related. The players have played against each other for years, but this newly-formed matchup might not be a good idea. Also, what exactly does nothing for the Hurricanes? Is he talking about the matchup or the brawl? It's written like the matchup does nothing for the Canes, which is probably true, but what does that have to do with shedding the rogue image? I truly have no idea what he’s saying at this point.

“The schools and their conferences suspended 31 players Sunday. Let's hope the athletes involved understand the seriousness of their actions and that they need to make amends.”

Just for good measure, another fact that everyone knew already, followed by one more pseudo-opinion that’s not even an opinion.

And that’s it. That’s the entire column. 178 words of nothing. It might as well not exist. And they pay him for this.

Like I said, pretty sweet gig really.


So much for this rivalry (Yahoo! Sports)
Ex-'Cane in trouble for remarks on TV (MSNBC)