NFL Week 1: Pass the Vicodin

Cincinnati 23, Kansas City 17: Carson Palmer was workman-like, Rudy Johnson was impressive, and Trent Green got knocked the fuck out. Hey, at least Larry Johnson lived up to the hype...oh, wait.

Seattle 9, Detroit 6: The Lions looked like an inspired bunch, and the Seahawks were lucky to get out with a win. It may be a long season for Shaun Alexander.

New England 19, Buffalo 17: A late, game-winning safety. Ahh, week one.

Atlanta 20, Carolina 6: Wow. Say what you want about the Cats being without Steve Smith. They got absolutely rolled today. 252 rushing yards? Can't very well blame the offense for that one.

Baltimore 27, Tampa Bay 0: Ugly. Three picks for Chris Simms, maybe the experts should all cool off on hyping him for a bit.

Chicago 26, Green Bay 0: First time Brett Favre has EVER been shutout. Fear not, Brett. I think Trent Green may have some Vicodin you can borrow.

Arizona 34, San Fran 27: Tough one to call. Is this actually improvement we're seeing from both teams, or are they really just equally bad? Either way, I get the feeling it's going to be a bizarre year in the NFC West.

St. Louis 19, Denver 10: There's the Jake Plummer we all know and love.

New Orleans 19, Cleveland 14: 141 total yards for Reggie Bush in his debut, and a win on the road. I'd think everybody involved with the Saints is very pleased with this start.

NY Jets 23, Tennessee 16: Vince Young was 3-4 with an INT. The good news, his three completions were on the only three plays he has memorized. Only about 120 to go.

Philadelphia 24, Houston 10: Well, well. McNabb looked very solid, and Stallworth helps Philly a lot. This could be an interesting team going forward. Also, a great debut for Reggie Bush, who went for...huh? What? They drafted who?!?!

Jacksonville 24, Dallas 17: Say what you want about the guy. T.O. is a cartoon of himself, he's selfish, he's annoying. But that TD catch was incredible. Seriously, who needs training camp?